i have spent the past few days thinking, reflecting, worrying, crying.
i am afraid of what is going on. i am afraid of what is to come of it all. i am afraid of not even knowing what the heck is to actually come of it all.
i feel as though i have the entire world's pain and fear on my shoulders, as well as my own.
i am afraid for myself, afraid for my family, my friends, my co-workers, strangers in the streets, people across the world.
i know i am not the only one feeling so scared and vulnerable and because i know this fact, my pain intensifies so much more.
did we ever think that we would live through a time like this? did we think that at the end of last year, when we were all vouching for 2020 to be OUR year, that this is how things were going to be by the fourth month in? did we think that the last time we seen our grandparents, partners, friends, extended family would be the last time for what seems like a life time? or the last time ever in some cases? did we think that this was just some flu that would be gone within a few weeks?
i know i did. when the news of covid-19 first came about i was skeptical, i was ignorant, blinded. i said it's all hoax, it's fake, it's not real, it's stupid, it's over exaggerated. but now reality has hit me, especially within these past few days. i am overwhelmed. burned out. tired. scared. nervous.
i thought i was strong. i believed i could handle this. i believed life would continue as normal. i was far from wrong.
i have been contemplating a lot of things recently. the most thing being my faith. my strength. my courage.
if i thought i was so strong, why am i unable to handle my emotions right now? if i had faith that the world would return to normal, why am i so uncertain now? if i had the courage to reassure other people, to tell them it's okay, why can't i reassure myself?
i know that sometime, it will all be okay. but that doesn't take away the fear that i am feeling. what about now? what about tomorrow? or the next day? why can't it just be over and be okay NOW?
i have realised that i must stop questioning. i must stop contemplating. i must stop trying to fix everything, stop trying to make everything right, stop trying to pretend that it is all okay, stop trying to long for better days.
instead, i must have strength, courage, faith within me. i must trust that the world will return to normal. not as a matter of when it will, but trust that someday, sometime it will.
i must use this time to understand myself. to understand the world. to understand that it is not the world against me or me against the world.
this is happening for us, not to us.
we must take this time that has been gifted to us, to learn, to study, to reflect, to understand, to rest, to love, to appreciate, to expand.
this time four months ago, we went about our day without a care in the world. we went about our day not saying thank you to those who serve us good, not telling our friends or family that we loved them often enough, not telling others to have a good day or to stay safe or to take care. we always thought they would. we assumed that people would stay safe and have a great day. we assumed that our loved ones knew that we loved them. we assumed that we would see them again tomorrow, or the next day. we assumed that our day was just another ordinary day and it would continue to be another ordinary day for the rest of our lives.
no day is ordinary. before this happened, no day was ordinary. after this is over, no day will be ordinary.
we need to show the world and our friends and families and ourselves that we are grateful.
we are grateful to wake up. we are grateful to healthy. we are grateful to be happy. we are grateful to be together. we are grateful to have a job, a home, a car. we are grateful to have friends and family. we are grateful to be able to express our emotions to others and for others to express their emotions to us. we are grateful when it rains or snows. we are grateful when the sun shines and the birds sing. we are grateful when we can hug our loved ones. we are grateful when we visit our grandparents, our extended families. we are grateful when we can do the weekly shop and get everything we need. we are grateful when we can go out for a nice meal. we are grateful for our server in the restaurant, for the chef who cooked our food. we are grateful for our gp's, dentists, eye doctors. we are grateful when we get an appointment and are able to helped. we are grateful when we can go into bank and deposit money. we are grateful when we can call the bank and ask for help on a query. we are grateful to go to library, the park, the beach, the gym.
no day is ordinary. it never was. it never will be.
we must show gratitude in every single thing that we do. we must show the world and every single human being in this world that we appreciate them. we must never let someone go without reminding them of this. we must love, nurture, care, laugh and cry.
we must be grateful, for everything and everyone.
we must be grateful.